Shit shit shitty shit.

I feel shitty. In more ways then one. My head is all stuffed up, I feel like vomiting, I have a massive headache, and my heart hurts. Thus I feel like shit! Its funny because yesterday I had to remove one of my residents from Bingo for using this word. She simply refused to stop saying shit. She got louder and louder when I politely instructed her that the others around her didn't share the same appreciation for this lovely word. She rebuked, "thats shit, they can all go to hell if they don't like it! They can't tell me what to do! Shit, shit, shitty, SHIT!" Well that is how I feel today. Physically and emotionally, like shit, and that is simply the best word to describe it.

I miss my dogs. Whoa is me. I miss my old life. Whoa is me. I miss everything so much my heart aches! When will it stop, I wonder. Whoa is me. I remember feeling like this when my high school sweetheart decided he didn't love me anymore either. I felt crazy, and thinking when will it stop hurting? Eventually it did. But that was because I found Mr. M. So lately, I have managed to conclude that I should move on and date. I have been throwing myself into dating, commanding myself to get over Mr. M and my old life. This is your life now. Don't be pathetic. Don't be that girl again. Your older now. Your better than this. This too shall pass. I reply this manta in my head probably about a million times a day, and wonder when I'll start to believe it.

And let me just add, I absolutely despise dating! I think it is horrible and pointless. I'm not really the dating type. I am not the normal 23 year old. I don't like to go to clubs and party all the time, so dating is like torture to me! I wish I could just skip all the awkward getting to know you part and speed right through to the days when we can lounge on the couch unshowered and not talk, yet still know what the other is thinking. I like those times better. Not all of this, I need to get drunk to hang out with you stuff. Inevitably, with all that has been going on in my life I have turned to my faith and questioned. Why again? Didn't I already go through this once? Didn't I learn my lesson the first time? Am I really suppose to sleep with another person? (This question in particular makes me very angry as I hold sex very high on my list of deal breakers in a relationship. Yet in the same token I am not a hussy, and I have only slept with the people I thought I was going to marry. My biggest fear is that one day I will have my wedding announcement in the newspaper and one of my old lovers will look at it and say oh I fucked her. *Note- this really happened to one of my friends!) Nevertheless, I wonder what am I suppose to get out of this whole situation besides the fact that someone whom I once loved hates me, and refuses to talk to me. I have even stooped so low as to do the plea bargaining with God thing. If you do this for me, I'll do this for you. In conclusion, I have discovered that either God isn't the plea bargaining type or he doesn't really exist.

I don't know what to believe right now. In the words of Gloria Estefan, "I just wanna be happy."